Friday, August 3, 2012

The Cons

So when I've talked to people about my decision to leave my school (read, "unemployment in nice packaging"), I inevitably get one of a few positive statements:

"I think that's awesome that you're putting your family first."
"I'm sure you'll find a job up there, you're a great teacher."
"Well whatever happens, I know you'll be a great dad."

Those things are good, and I appreciate people saying them.  But we're ignoring a really big elephant in the room: I AM UNEMPLOYED, AND ABOUT TO HAVE A CHILD THAT COSTS A LOT.  And that's just the practical elephant - there are others, including me potentially finishing a Master's degree, with nowhere to use it, me feeling useless in my culturally-conditioned masculine role of providing for my family, etc.  And all of THAT is just the stuff about me, it doesn't even scratch the surface of the baby-rearing stuff.

There will be time for concern and reflection on my career path - I thought that here, for your entertainment, I'd list a few things that worry or bother me about actually having a baby.  For the veterans among you, this will be pretty amusing.

There are two things I find universally foul in life - feet, and bathrooms.  Diapers are like bathrooms that got rubbed all over your baby, and then you have to mess with it.  A bunch of times every day.  The first time I changed the poopy undergarments of another human being, I almost threw up on an adorable little four-year-old girl.  It's not gonna be pretty.  And even worse, my wife wants to use cloth diapers/  I get it - it will save us lots of money over the course of my child's upbringing.  But man, I have to clean that stuff OUT?  And then put it in the washing machine, where I put my own, poop-free clothes?  That's really disgusting, and it's hands-down the thing I'm dreading most about my baby.

If you ever hear me using baby words, ESPECIALLY if I'm not talking to a baby, I give you permission to punch me in the face.  I hate adults talking like babies.  And even worse, I hate baby products with unnecessarily stupid names, as if they're named so that babies can say it easier, regardless of the fact that BABIES DON'T TALK WHEN THEY'RE THAT SMALL.  A few examples:

Pacifiers.  People have the dumbest names for pacifiers - the most frequent one I can think of is "binky."  You made that up, your child didn't.  You probably referred to it as a "binky" months before your child said anything at all.  Why????

There are these pillows that are horseshoe-shaped, made for really little babies who don't sit up on their own well yet.  I own one, and I'm sure I'll find it very useful.  But I refuse to call it a "Boppy."  That's what it's called on the package, and people use that name just like they call the copy machine a Xerox.  Hell no.  And the same goes for the butt-shaped squishy chair that keeps kids from falling over while eating, the "Bumbo."  How about "chair?"  Yeah, I like that.  We all know which chair the baby uses.

I guess I'll learn this soon enough, but I keep wondering, do you just have to have a visual on the baby all the time?  What do I do with her when I shower?  What about when I am out in public and have to go to the bathroom?  I'm not gonna put her on the bathroom I hold her?  I know people drop their phones in the toilet on a semi-regular basis - dropping the baby in the toilet would be worse.  I just don't know what happens here.  And what about when she's asleep?  Can I go do other stuff?  Can I get the mail, or do I have to bring her out to the mailbox?

Honestly, those are about the only things worrying me about being a father right now.  If you have kids, you're probably laughing at the things I don't even know I should worry about yet.  If you don't, you're probably as disgusted by cloth diapers and baby words as I am.


  1. tim, i'm loving what i see here so far. keep it up.
    and my real comments:
    as a veteran (ha!) i did love this. keep in mind:
    1) poopy diapers won't be gross until your baby eats solids, so you have 6 months to work up to it. (and i hope you were using hyperbole when you said you changed a 4-year old's diaper.)
    2) boppies are (mostly) for breastfeeding. so, yeah.

    and i have a hundred more comments, but i'll stop here. again, keep it up.

  2. I have a comment for each of your comments:

    1) I'm glad I have some time to work up to it - I'm sure I will need it. And she was, in fact, four, but not wearing a diaper, just some poopy of my first days at The Faison School for Autism, and I can be glad she was four and not 19.

    2) see post above for my thoughts on the HORSESHOE PILLOW.